


Maybe We're Meant to Be Alone

by kinkyacewonho (butwordsareallineed)



Category: Monsta X (Band), No.MERCY (TV)
Genre: Ace!Kihyun, Acephobia, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Asexual Character, Asexuality, Bi!Hoseok, Bittersweet Ending, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Acephobia, M/M, Misogyny, Self-Doubt, Seokwon is kind of an asshole in this oops, Suicidal Thoughts, it's more of a joking comment made by a minor character but warning just in case, relationship doubts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-08
Updated: 2016-12-08
Packaged: 2018-09-07 02:03:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8778826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/butwordsareallineed/pseuds/kinkyacewonho
Summary: Years later, Kihyun learned there was a word for what he felt:a•sex•u•alnoun1. a person who has no sexual feelings or desires.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [andnowforyaya](https://archiveofourown.org/users/andnowforyaya/gifts).



> She made me cry about ace!Ki doubting Hoseok's love, so this happened.

 

Kihyun doesn’t want to get out of bed. Hoseok is still asleep next to him, the sound of his gentle snoring mixing with the rhythmic patter of raindrops against the windowpane. Kihyun hopes he doesn’t wake. He doesn’t have the energy to deal with people right now, not even the person he loves. Especially not him.

Most days are good. Most days, Kihyun can convince himself that things are okay, that Hoseok really loves him. He wouldn’t be with him if he wasn’t.

Today is not one of those days.

Kihyun stares at the ceiling, listening to the sounds of the rain and Hoseok’s breathing. He can hear his own heartbeat, thrumming inside his chest. It’s too loud.

His older brother’s getting married today. Kihyun isn’t there because Starship Entertainment has every second of Monsta X’s lives scheduled in advance. Today, they’re overseas for a fan meeting.

Kihyun hears the tiny whines that let him know Hoseok’s stirring to life beside him, and he closes his eyes. Maybe if he acts like he’s sleeping, Hoseok will go back to sleep too. It’s a plan destined for failure.

“Kihyun.” Hoseok’s voice is low and gravelly from sleep. Kihyun ignores him. “I can see your eyes moving behind your eyelids. I know you’re awake.”

Kihyun gives it another half second before he gives up. He rolls away from Hoseok, who puts his arm around him anyway. “What’s wrong?”

Hoseok has always been like that. He listens even when Kihyun thinks he doesn’t, and he remembers. Once, Kihyun forgot to check if his new skin cream had an ingredient he reacted badly to, but Hoseok caught it and stopped him before he could use it. He doesn’t even remember telling Hoseok about his aversion. It’s one of the reasons why Kihyun thinks, though he’ll never say, Hoseok would have been a better leader.

“My brother’s getting married,” Kihyun says, staring at the wall. He’ll leave it at that; if Hoseok will allow.

“You’re not upset because you can’t go, are you?” Hoseok hugs him tightly, resting his palm on Kihyun’s stomach, but he doesn’t force Kihyun to look at him. Kihyun appreciates this.

“You’re not upset about the wedding at all,” Hoseok states, like it’s proven fact. “Not really.”

He’s not wrong.                      

 

The first time Kihyun felt like he wasn’t normal, he was thirteen, helping his mother shop for groceries. A woman passed by pushing a stroller, and his mother cooed at the baby, who made a face back. “How cute!”

Kihyun reached for a bag of chips, more interested in food than the child. “Babies aren’t cute to me.”

“I didn’t think so either until I had you and your brother.” His mother chuckled, eyeing Kihyun’s snack selection with disapproval. He ignored her, putting the bag of chips in the cart.

“I don’t know. I don’t think I ever want to have kids.”

His mother gave him a slow, knowing smile. “I said that too, when I was your age. You’ll change your mind.”

Kihyun knew he wouldn’t. It wasn’t the children he disliked as much as what having kids came with.

A family. Marriage. Sex.

 

In high school, sex was the hottest commodity. The other boys in gym class took turns standing guard while another tried to peek at their female classmates changing. Kihyun hid in the corner, hoping the boys were too preoccupied chasing panties to pay attention to him.

“Guess who finally banged Sunyoung last night?” Daehyun crowed. He was one of the popular kids, and immediately the room erupted into cheers and requests from younger students to recount the experience. Kihyun stared at the ground, trying to block out the noise by replaying a song he was learning in his head.

“She gave in just in time. If I turned sixteen without getting laid, I was going to kill myself.”

Kihyun tried not to think about what the other boys would say to him if they knew he was still a virgin by choice. Sex was everything. If you didn’t have it, you were a loser who shouldn’t bother living. So what was Kihyun worth if he didn’t want it at all?

Kihyun never ogled a classmate’s boobs when they jiggled while exercising. He never fantasized about any of them, or anyone at all. He masturbated, but he never thought of another person while he did it, or imagined what someone else could do to him. If his classmates knew that, Kihyun feared they might not wait for him to off himself and do the honors instead.

 

Years later, Kihyun learned there was a word for what he felt.

          a·sex·u·al

_noun_

          1. a person who has no sexual feelings or desires.

He wasn’t broken. He wasn’t alone.

But having a name for it didn’t mean people understood.

 

“Ki?” Hoseok’s voice is gentle, but his hands on Kihyun are firm. Protecting. “We can talk about it, if you want.” His words are always careful, leaving the invitation open for Kihyun to speak without pressuring him to do so.

“Don’t want to.”

Kihyun hasn’t moved since Hoseok woke up. He’s still staring at the same spot of chipped paint just below the windowsill. Hoseok sighs, resting his chin on Kihyun’s shoulder. He can tell just from the way his muscles tense that Hoseok’s pouting.

“Then will you at least look at me?”

Kihyun doesn’t move. Hoseok stays close, trailing his fingertips over the soft curves of Kihyun’s stomach. They lie like that for several moments before Kihyun speaks. “Don’t you want that, Hoseok?”

Hoseok hums, and his breath is warm against Kihyun’s ear. “Want what?”

Kihyun feels hot, all over, with Hoseok so close to him. He feels like he’s going to break into a fever, or explode. “A family. Marriage. Kids.”

Hoseok’s hand stills on Kihyun’s stomach, and then it’s gone, along with the weight of his head on his shoulder. Somehow, that just makes it worse.

“I don’t care about getting married, Kihyun. You know that. Unless I end up with a girl, I can’t anyway. Not here at least.”

“But you would?” Kihyun sits up, hugging his knees to his chest. “If you could marry a man here in Korea, you’d want to?”

Hoseok looks at him for a long time, his dark eyes searching for something. Kihyun feels even smaller under his gaze.

“There’s no point in hypotheticals,” Hoseok says finally. “We can’t get married, so we won’t. I don’t care. I’d rather have you than a wedding.”

He reaches for Kihyun to pull him close to his side. He allows him, but he keeps his arms close to his chest instead of wrapping them around Hoseok.

 

Kihyun didn’t mean to tell anyone. It wasn’t like any of the staff or trainees he saw every day were going to be in a relationship with him, so why did they need to know anyway?

That changed when he met Hoseok.

Kihyun watched a few YouTube videos of the other Starship trainees before he joined the company, so he had an idea of what he was up against. He thought he knew what to expect.

Shino, the sexy one. Kihyun could sing circles around him. It turned out that was just the stage persona Hoseok was still perfecting.

On his first day, Hoseok was the one who welcomed him and offered to show him around. They ate lunch together, and when Kihyun mentioned he watched some of the NUBOYZ videos, Hoseok’s eyes fucking sparkled.

“What did you think? I know I’m not the best singer, so I’m going for sex appeal,” Hoseok said. “It didn’t seem like I was trying too hard, did it?”

Hoseok didn’t seem to care that Kihyun was his biggest competition, or that him joining the company might very well mean Hoseok would never get to debut. And while Kihyun didn’t find the performance particularly sexy or enticing, there was something in Hoseok’s warm eyes and the way he licked his lips before each shy smile that Kihyun found magnetic.

“I think you’re doing great.”

 

No one actually talked about it, but it was a pretty open secret that Hoseok was bi. Evidence of his teenage exploits was surprisingly easy to find online, if you knew what to look for. So Kihyun knew he actually had a chance with him.

It helped that they kept getting put on the same team for the No.Mercy missions, so they had plenty of time alone together. Sometimes, when the camera crew went home for the night but Kihyun and Hoseok were still in the studio, perfecting their team’s track, Hoseok’s hands lingered just a little too long on Kihyun’s skin. Kihyun didn’t push them away.

He knew they could have something, behind closed doors, but he didn’t know what Hoseok wanted. What if he was only interested in the physical aspect?

It was past 3 AM, and their team was finally satisfied enough with their dance practice to call it a night. Worn out from the long day, their tongues became a bit looser.

“Why do we always have to work with a bunch of guys?” Seokwon asked, slouching back against the practice room wall. “It’s bad enough we’re around each other all the time, would it really kill them to let us look at some pussy?”

Jooheon rolled his eyes. “We’re idols now. Contractual purity, and all that.”

“Well, it’s bullshit.”

Kihyun ignored them, focusing on drinking his water as quickly as possible. He would have left, but he was waiting on Hoseok to go back to the dorm together.

“You don’t get to talk anyway, you did that sexy song with Hyolyn,” Seokwon went on. “Did she let you ‘coach her’ afterwards?”

Kihyun felt like he was back in gym class, only this time, he had the authority to say something. “You shouldn’t talk about Hyloyn like that.”

Seokwon scoffed. “Oh, right, you can say that because you got with Soyou. Are her tits as nice as they look?”

Kihyun resisted the urge to chuck his water bottle at Seokwon’s head. “Shut up, Seokwon. I didn’t touch her like that.”

Jooheon rose to his feet, acting as a barrier between the two. “Lighten up, hyung. It’s just boys’ talk.”

“Kihyun has a point.” As the leader of their team, Hoseok’s voice commanded attention, and all eyes turned to him. Kihyun was surprised to hear him take his side. “Hyolyn and Soyou are our seniors, and you shouldn’t talk about them like they’re sex dolls.”

There was silence for several seconds as everyone processed Hoseok’s words. Then Seokwon spoke. “You two sound like homos.”

Kihyun’s blood burned in his veins, and he spit back at him before his mind could catch up with his tongue. “I’m asexual, actually.”

He didn’t wait for anyone’s response, grabbing his bag and walking out. He let the door slam shut behind him, his heart echoing the sound in his chest.

He admitted his sexuality in front of his team members. In front of Hoseok. They probably didn’t even know what it meant, but if they found out… Kihyun knew by now that the way he felt wasn’t normal. He didn’t need anyone else to remind him of that.

He was too lost in his thoughts to notice someone following him. He felt a hand on his shoulder and let out an embarrassingly loud scream, whirling around to find Hoseok standing there with his brows knitted together in concern.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “For scaring you. Are you okay?”

Kihyun’s heart felt like it was going to burst from his chest. He considered lying, but it wasn’t worth it. “Not really.”

Hoseok took his hand then and led him to the practice room where they stayed up working on songs. He locked the door, fixing his gaze on Kihyun.

“I swear to you, nothing you say will leave this room unless you want it to. But you’re my teammate, and my friend, and I want to help you.”

Kihyun bristled at the words. “I don’t need help.”

“That’s not what I—” Hoseok paused, brushing his hand through his bangs. He started over. “It’s okay you aren’t straight.”

Kihyun kept quiet. He didn’t know where Hoseok was going with this, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to find out.

“I’m bi. You probably know that, everyone does somehow—”

“Hoseok.” Kihyun interrupted him. “I swear, if you’re about to suggest we get together just because of this—”

“What? No. No.” Hoseok put his hands on Kihyun’s shoulders, and Kihyun felt compelled, like he couldn’t look anywhere else but at him. “This isn’t related to the fact that I like you.”

“You what?”

Hoseok’s eyes immediately widened, the definition of ‘ _oh shit_.’ “I didn’t say that.”

“You like me?” Kihyun repeated, smiling so widely it made his teeth hurt. Hoseok didn’t answer, but the way his cheeks reddened as he looked away gave Kihyun all the information he needed. He leaned forward, gently cupping Hoseok’s face to make him look at him.

“I like you too.”

Hoseok’s eyes brightened hopefully, and then Kihyun kissed him, fitting his lips against Hoseok’s like it was the only thing that mattered. For right now, it was. They would figure the rest out later.

 

Later comes at the 2016 Mnet Asian Music Awards, when the members of Monsta X come offstage after their performance of “Fighter.” The seven of them are breathing heavily, recovering from the intense choreography.

They did okay, Kihyun thinks. Not their best performance, but far from their worst, and cutting the second verse seems to have helped keep Minhyuk from putting too much strain on his injured knee. Tomorrow, they’re spending an extra day in Hong Kong to start filming for a new reality show, but now they can relax.

He doesn’t know where the voice comes from, or why it stands out to him. It shouldn’t, considering the size of the venue and the roar of the crowd as they head back to their seats. But suddenly there’s a female voice speaking in English, and Kihyun may not be fluent, but he’s studied enough to pick up the gist of her comments.

“Wonho is so hot. I bet he’s fantastic in bed, especially with the way he moves his body. Whoever he’s dating is lucky.”

Kihyun’s face stiffens in a fake smile, one he’s perfected over the years to look as genuine as possible. Only Hoseok is able to see through it.

Before they’re even down the stairs, Kihyun feels Hoseok’s hand on the small of his back, and his breath warm against the shell of his ear. “You okay?”

Kihyun nods curtly, licks his lips, smiles and waves at the fans. “Fine.”

He’s perfectly aware Hoseok knows it’s a lie.

 

There are too many people in the van to talk about it there, and when they get back to the hotel, Hoseok heads straight to the shower without a word. If Kihyun acts like he’s asleep, maybe he can get away with not talking about it. 

The sound of the shower cuts off, then the bathroom door opens. Seconds later, Kihyun feels the bed dip under Hoseok’s weight, and then his breath fans across his face. He smells like mint toothpaste.

“You’re not asleep, Ki. I don’t know why you even bother trying to fool me with that.”

Kihyun opens his eyes and is only a little surprised to find Hoseok’s face centimeters away.

“Something’s bothering you.” A fact again, not a question. Hoseok’s too good at that.

“It’s stupid.”

“Tell me anyway.” Hoseok’s eyes are pleading, like he wants to pull Kihyun apart from the inside and weave him back together. “Please?”

Kihyun looks away, unable to bear the weight of Hoseok’s gaze anymore. He stays quiet.

Hoseok pulls away, first from Kihyun, then the bed. “Okay.”

Kihyun knows Hoseok will leave it at that; he’s good about not pressuring Kihyun to speak. He stares at the sharp planes of Hoseok’s back as he dresses.

“Why do you stay with me?”

Hoseok stops, the question catching him off guard. “Because I love you,” he says, as if it’s that simple.

“But why, Hoseok?” He leaves the rest unsaid. _Why do you love me when I’m like this?_

Hoseok closes the suitcase and comes back over to the bed, hugging Kihyun to his chest. “Why wouldn’t I love you?” That answer isn’t enough for Kihyun though, so he continues, smoothing out strands of his fading pink hair as he lists the reasons.

“You’re beautiful, for starters. I love your eye smile and the way your nose scrunches when you sing, and how when you laugh really loud, I can see your silver tooth. I like making you laugh.”

Kihyun says nothing, but he presses closer, letting Hoseok’s words and voice wash over him.

“I love your voice – when you speak, and when you sing, it’s enchanting. I love that you come to the studio with me to work on songs, and that you don’t let me give up even though Starship keeps turning my ideas down. I love that you stand up for me when I’m not confident enough to do it myself.”

Kihyun stares at the hotel linens, fingering the edge of the fabric just to have something to keep him from looking at Hoseok. “But I’m not… What I can give you isn’t enough.” From the way he’s pressed against Hoseok’s chest, he can feel the shift in his heartbeat.

“What are you talking about?”

The tremors are starting, so Kihyun closes his hand into a fist, trapping the sheet inside it. “You have an actual list of reasons why you love me. You could have anyone you want. You’re too good to have to settle for the hollow version of love I can give.”

“Kihyun.” Hoseok rests his hand on his thigh, firm but gentle. “Why would you think your love is hollow?” Kihyun doesn’t move. Hoseok knows. “Just because you don’t want to have sex?”

The room is too small, suddenly. Kihyun fights Hoseok’s grip, squirming to be set free. Hoseok lets go, and Kihyun bolts for the windowsill, staring out at the city below. “You don’t get it, Hoseok.”

Hoseok stays in bed, but Kihyun knows his eyes are on him, watching his every move. “Then explain it to me. Or try? I want to understand you.”

Kihyun watches a man on the street below step out of a taxi. He checks to make sure no one is watching him too closely, and then approaches a girl on the corner. She takes his arm, giggles, and the two disappear into the hotel across the street. Kihyun’s chest hurts.

“Name one couple that never has sex. Ever.” He waits for Hoseok’s response, but it doesn’t come. He knew it wouldn’t. “You can’t.”

Kihyun keeps his eyes fixed on the city below, until a flash of blue-and-white hair in the window obscures it. Hoseok.

“Why does that matter? I love you, Kihyun. I’m with you because I love you.” He wraps his arms around him, and Kihyun wants to fight, to claw against his grip and escape, but he’s too weak for Hoseok to do that.

“It matters, because you’ll want sex. You will, because everyone else does. And so you’ll cheat on me, or we’ll have to arrange for someone else to help you, because I can’t.”

Hoseok’s grip tightens, and Kihyun feels the tender press of Hoseok’s lips on his scalp. “I wouldn’t. I’ll never cheat on you, baby. I won’t.”

“But you’ll want to.” Kihyun feels like he can’t breathe. He wants Hoseok to let go, but he’s scared he might break if he does that. “You’ll get sick of it one day, because I’m not enough. I can never be enough. You won’t be able to fix me, or change my mind. I’m not broken. I’m just made wrong.”

Kihyun feels wetness, like raindrops, on his head. Hoseok’s crying.

“But I love you.”

Hoseok says that too much. Like he thinks if he tells Kihyun he loves him enough times, it’ll fix everything. But Kihyun could hear it every day for the rest of his life and it wouldn’t change anything.

“I love you too.” Kihyun turns, wrapping his arms around Hoseok and squeezing. They’re two puzzle pieces he desperately wants to fit together. “But maybe love isn’t enough…”

**Author's Note:**

> In case it's not totally clear, Shino is the stage name Hoseok used when he was a part of NUBOYZ, before No.Mercy and Monsta X.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed! Or had your heart ripped out -- probably that, actually. Sorry about that. 
> 
> Find me on twitter @kinkyacewonho


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